Wednesday, November 23, 2005

CNN dismisses latest "glitch"

APe News - CNN executives today dismissed as a "glitch" an episode on last night's news coverage in which a black cape, skullcap haircut, blood red eyes and four inch fangs were overlaid onto footage of first lady Laura Bush.

At fault was a new device called the Progressivator Edit Tool, technicians say, adding that the technical help desk at Moveon Media Solutions has provided guidelines so that any future occurences of this style of glitch will not be consciously discernible by the viewer.

The incident is widely regarded as another blow to President Bush, already reeling from the lowest approval ratings of his presidency, declining support for the Iraq War, scandal-plagued Republicans, a bad hurricane summer, high gas prices, a broken water main in downtown Pittsburgh, and less Republicans being included in poll samples.

Senator John Kerry weighed into the debate during the afternoon, saying that he "would not tolerate the Swiftboating of CNN", and adding that vampires were definitely used by US forces as scouts in their top-secret missions into Cambodia, because of their useful ability to turn into bats when detected. Such missions were hushed-up by the military due to the tendency of the scouts to suck the blood from Cambodian kids, said Kerry, and it was well-known in military circles that he had declined a purple heart that he was entitled to because of a neck wound from an insubordinate scout.

In response, John O'Neil of the discredited Swiftboat Veterans made unsubstantiated claims that Kerry's reminiscences were "complete nonsense" and that vampires were "storybook monsters", despite the widely seen footage of a vampire broadcast last night by CNN.

Meanwhile Congressman John Murtha advocated an "immediate redeployment" of American forces from Transylvania. "The presence of red-blooded American boys there merely acts as a catalyst for the vampires, and any war against an enemy that needs to be staked through the heart is unwinnable", he said, sniffing garlic cloves and holding back tears.

Senator Barack Obama also issued a statement that he supported "whatever it is we are currently talking about", and pointing out that as a rising star of the Democratic Party, he needs to get his name into the headlines every so often.

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